Actually that rabbit hole doesn’t seem so weird…

It’s been almost two weeks since I returned to London after my Christmas break and it’s like I never left, it’s just been frozen waiting for me to come back. It doesn’t feel like I was ever home and in a strange way it’s like home is just something I keep in my mind that is safe, almost like it doesn’t really exist. One of the biggest parts of who I am is my grip on reality. I don’t let myself go because I don’t like feeling that I’m loosing control and I need this constant feeling of safety. Just knowing that no matter what, you will be okay in that safe place where you feel untouchable.  Its one of the reasons you will probably never see me drunk. I do drink and will get drunk, but only if I feel comfortable. On a night out I will be the sober one making sure everyone is okay and we get home safe. It’s just my nature. But now I’m facing this delirious clash of worlds and all of a sudden reality is taking a right beating.

            I’ve turned into an insomniac the past few days as my mind will just not shut off despite the amount of exercise or lack of energy. One reason is because a big part of my ‘brick walls’ is starting to crumble and I can’t handle that! I don’t let people into my little world never mind after the traumas of last year. Oh a note on the whole; ‘New Year, New Start’ crap… Well someone had to see what the downside was! Anyway, my last few nights have been terrorised by my mind playing games on me- you know the ones where you think of something you would love to happen knowing it never will.

            This made me think of Alice in Wonderland. My favourite Disney film and I book I still love today. The story is constantly being rekindled and churned to attract a passion from every generation since Carroll first put pen to paper. In recent light I think I’ve began to understand it that little bit more. It’s not just a story about a girl and her dreams; it’s a story about the world we live in and the worlds we create for ourselves. We are all Alice’s in our own stories. We all know the Cheshire Cats and Caterpillars who guide us yet make us question our decisions and who we are. There’s always a White Rabbit, those people who show us our path just enough that we know where we are going but we don’t have to get there quite yet. As for those people who are always there doing our dirty work that we don’t even consider a necessity, the things we take for granted, well their Bill the Lizards. We have Mad Hatters and March Hares who keep us sane by making us feel insane. And of course we all have those Queen of Hearts; the ones who push us and make us see who we are by forcing us to fight for what we want and what we believe in. Pushing our boundaries to release the truth that lies within. Though personally, I’m still waiting the family of horns that look like ducks but hey you can’t have everything.

            So with the line between what is real and what we want to be real completely smudged, what the hell is my next step? I don’t want to let my guard down with anything at the moment so logically, do I start extending my wall around those things and rather letting myself go, let things come in? The first issue of that is the fact that I like my little world and I swear any mugs rings left on my coffee table and I won’t be a happy bunny! I need to not care but unfortunately I’m not a character skipping through pages I’m a person and I don’t just feel like taking my coat off so everyone can see my heart which I wear on my sleeve. ‘A dream is a wish your heart makes’ well I’m sorry heart but I don’t think Ryan Reynolds will ever want to spoon during episodes of 90210. You see in today’s world dreaming is lovely and all, but is it ever really worth the risk? I tell you what, hop over my walls, take a look around and answer me this, would you rather stay in here or do you want to help me take this wall down brick by brick? But just so you know; if it all goes wrong you better be there to help me build it again. Along with all my White Rabbits, Cheshire Cats and characters in my story that have already shown me how to survive in a world that’s just not quite there.