Since when was THAT sociably acceptable?!

            So it is New Years Eve and I can’t proudly say I don’t care. Though I guess I’ve never cared about it. When your birthdays the second of January that is certainly more exciting! After the year I’ve had I don’t see what there is to celebrate… There’s the whole ‘fresh start’ thing but I don’t want to start that hung over and freezing my ass off! On a high note Christmas holidays are almost over and I go back to London in a week. What a bizarre holiday it has been… Oh if only I could tell you but I can’t mention names!

            Returning home for three weeks after being so settled in London has been a bit of a mind flay as it is never mind having to face people and situations that you’ve hidden from for three months. Not that I’ve bothered to face any of them… Seemed the easiest option! It has been great to let my hair down and relax for the first time in a long time though to say it has been eventful is an understatement. Although I’ve never been so grateful to have certain friends back full time in my life! These weeks definitely haven’t been as bad as I first imagined so I guess that’s a major bonus. I guess I expected it to be more painful than it was but I have a funny feeling that was numbed out by the great spite and excitement about everyone. Things are looking very good ready to go back to London though, I will say that!! But until then I’m attempting to survive at home, harder than you think.

            I honestly believe I am the worst ‘single’ person imaginable. I don’t want to go out and meet random people who I don’t know and do things I’ll regret in the morning. Also I just seem to repel men. Not intentionally! For example I could go out in my underwear and still not get any attention. I’m more of an organised person when it comes to things like that. Not spontaneous in the slightest. Well, except the other night when I randomly walked over to two of my oldest friends and kissed them both straight on the lips. Then I decided that I’m definitely not a spontaneous person.

            The other issue that I’m currently facing? What is the world coming to?! Now I accept that I was in a long relationship and obviously will have missed out on certain trends but really?! It all started the week I came home from Greenwich sat having lunch with two of my friends. The stuff they were discussing was like something out of some bad internet movie or Urban Dictionary. Now I know I’m not a nun and we all know about my love for erotica but no, just no! I’m definitely not attempted to go out on the pull as I fear for my own life… Oh and while I’m at it why can’t men be manly?! I don’t mean personality I mean generally! I LIKE HAIRY MEN. There I’ve said it. Oh this has been a strange two weeks!

            Anyway, I’m going to write again at some point next week so I apologise that this is pretty naff! Plus I’m running late to go out! Promise I will fill you in with the rest! Happy New Year! Hope its better than mine- well we all know I won’t be pulling at midnight!

I Know I would have been Lauren…

After 2 long years my wonderful partner decided that moving to London was something he could never do and rather than resent me for it or attempt long distance, he decided we should call it quits. To begin with my world fell apart. Admittedly we had already broken up in February so I knew how to deal with it but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt. It was unexpected and had been quite cruel so I decided to take some days back home to gather my thoughts.

            Due to the snow my train had been cancelled however we were allowed to board an earlier train which I didn’t care as long as I got home. At the platform I met another girl who was in the same situation, we boarded the train together and even managed to get seats together. Made sense as we were both getting off at the same stop too… We watched ‘Sex and the city 2’ and once that was over started talking. It turns out that’s she lives in London, not just London, but a 10 minute walk from my flat. She goes to my gym, does all the classes I do and even dances, but wait, she was returning home to see her family because her boyfriend of two and a half years had broken up with her on the Monday (my relationship had ended on the Sunday). I have always believed in fate but this was unreal. Just being able to speak to someone who knew how I felt was therapy! Her name is Claire and we are going to meet up after Christmas.

            Being home I began to realise that although I loved him it never would have worked. He never would have moved and I would have done my degree, moved back home and sacrificed my dreams. It was better that it had happened now rather than in a few months when he had moved. That would have killed me. I have ambitions spouting out of me left, right and centre. I want to write, I want to model, I want to go to the far corners of the world and desperately want to spend time living in New York. Yet I know I would have given it all up to be with him. My Mum loved him, maybe more than me(!), but her concerns were that, as much as she loved her life, I would of done what she did; give up everything to be with the man we loved.  

            While we sat and cried about everything she was saying and how I knew I needed to live my life I suddenly clicked. My Mum and I had always been big fans of ‘The Hills’ and ‘The City’- please note the old seasons of ‘The Hills’ none of this new rubbish! I got to thinking about that famous episode; ‘Timing is everything’ the one where Teen Vogue offer to send Lauren to Paris for the summer as a once in a lifetime experience. She turns it down to spend summer with her boyfriend. Of course they break up and she loses everything. Whitney gets to go in her place and ends up loving every moment. Had the above not happened over the last few days I would have been Lauren. Not even a slight bit of doubt. I would have turned down every moment in my life to be able to spend it with him.

            If I want to be the person that I see in my future, I have to be Whitney. So from now on I’m going to keep that episode locked in my head. I want my dreams so I will go and get them. I will remember him and what we had forever and I am unbelievably grateful for everything we had and all those great memories. I wish him the most happiness and hope that things work out for him. As for me, I’m going to take those risks and aim high, sounds corny but I want to be successful. Maybe one day I’ll find happiness in love again. But for now I’m doing something I have never done; concentrate on me.

Just in case you didn't know which moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3bJskiKcUM&feature=related