Acceptance is the hardest part of love.

              I can’t seem to exactly pin down when it was that my Grandma started to become ill. Her dementia took over her very gradually to begin with and then it was almost as if over night she just changed. For a little while she knew she was losing her memory. That was the heartbreaking part. Walking into the kitchen and noticing that she had marked the calendar with what she had done each day just in case someone was coming round so she could check. I don’t know how long I think she was aware of her illness as this was about the time I started to deny that she was ill. I want to say it wasn’t very long but I think that is more a hope than a reality. At least now she has no idea what is happening to her and that is surprisingly, such a blessing.

            My Grandad is a brilliant man. In fact, what upsets me more than the fact that my Grandma is dying, is watching my Grandad having to watch the women he loves fade away.  He does everything for her but I don’t even want to contemplate what this is doing to him. Everyone helps him out as much as they can but I believe he feels like it’s his responsibility. For us it is hard but in a way it’s accepted that those older than you will eventually pass away. But for him it’s not like that. I feel lucky that I have never particularly experienced a death where as I have friends who don’t have any grandparents. I dread the day when she longer knows who he is.

            These days she still recognises people but doesn’t exactly know who they are. My whole family have accepted that she is now at a point that it is just easiest to agree with her than correct her. Sometimes we can’t help giggling as she tries to tell us stories. It sounds cruel to laugh about it but when she tries to tell you about the time she went to the moon, she meant she went past it in a plane, you can’t help it. Sometimes you have to just have to laugh to take away the reality. All she knows is that she loves you and you’re very good.

            I have recently realized that, although my Grandma will always be my Grandma and I love her more than anything, a part of me has already mourned the loss of who she used to be. The women she is now is the most happy, loving person I have ever met and a big part of me feels that when she does pass it will feel more like I have lost a brilliant part of my life rather than my Grandma. Although it sounds horrible I hope that is how it is, so that I can be there for my Grandad instead. That’s far more important. I believe when it comes to something like this acceptance is the key help yourself and others around you. However until that time I will cherish every moment I can with my Grandma. She is an amazing woman and if I can be half the person she was, is and will be then I will be happy.

Actually that rabbit hole doesn’t seem so weird…

It’s been almost two weeks since I returned to London after my Christmas break and it’s like I never left, it’s just been frozen waiting for me to come back. It doesn’t feel like I was ever home and in a strange way it’s like home is just something I keep in my mind that is safe, almost like it doesn’t really exist. One of the biggest parts of who I am is my grip on reality. I don’t let myself go because I don’t like feeling that I’m loosing control and I need this constant feeling of safety. Just knowing that no matter what, you will be okay in that safe place where you feel untouchable.  Its one of the reasons you will probably never see me drunk. I do drink and will get drunk, but only if I feel comfortable. On a night out I will be the sober one making sure everyone is okay and we get home safe. It’s just my nature. But now I’m facing this delirious clash of worlds and all of a sudden reality is taking a right beating.

            I’ve turned into an insomniac the past few days as my mind will just not shut off despite the amount of exercise or lack of energy. One reason is because a big part of my ‘brick walls’ is starting to crumble and I can’t handle that! I don’t let people into my little world never mind after the traumas of last year. Oh a note on the whole; ‘New Year, New Start’ crap… Well someone had to see what the downside was! Anyway, my last few nights have been terrorised by my mind playing games on me- you know the ones where you think of something you would love to happen knowing it never will.

            This made me think of Alice in Wonderland. My favourite Disney film and I book I still love today. The story is constantly being rekindled and churned to attract a passion from every generation since Carroll first put pen to paper. In recent light I think I’ve began to understand it that little bit more. It’s not just a story about a girl and her dreams; it’s a story about the world we live in and the worlds we create for ourselves. We are all Alice’s in our own stories. We all know the Cheshire Cats and Caterpillars who guide us yet make us question our decisions and who we are. There’s always a White Rabbit, those people who show us our path just enough that we know where we are going but we don’t have to get there quite yet. As for those people who are always there doing our dirty work that we don’t even consider a necessity, the things we take for granted, well their Bill the Lizards. We have Mad Hatters and March Hares who keep us sane by making us feel insane. And of course we all have those Queen of Hearts; the ones who push us and make us see who we are by forcing us to fight for what we want and what we believe in. Pushing our boundaries to release the truth that lies within. Though personally, I’m still waiting the family of horns that look like ducks but hey you can’t have everything.

            So with the line between what is real and what we want to be real completely smudged, what the hell is my next step? I don’t want to let my guard down with anything at the moment so logically, do I start extending my wall around those things and rather letting myself go, let things come in? The first issue of that is the fact that I like my little world and I swear any mugs rings left on my coffee table and I won’t be a happy bunny! I need to not care but unfortunately I’m not a character skipping through pages I’m a person and I don’t just feel like taking my coat off so everyone can see my heart which I wear on my sleeve. ‘A dream is a wish your heart makes’ well I’m sorry heart but I don’t think Ryan Reynolds will ever want to spoon during episodes of 90210. You see in today’s world dreaming is lovely and all, but is it ever really worth the risk? I tell you what, hop over my walls, take a look around and answer me this, would you rather stay in here or do you want to help me take this wall down brick by brick? But just so you know; if it all goes wrong you better be there to help me build it again. Along with all my White Rabbits, Cheshire Cats and characters in my story that have already shown me how to survive in a world that’s just not quite there.